A Letter to My Younger Self
When I notice that the next topic of the writing challenge I’m doing with my friend is “A Letter to Anyone”, there are a few names that come up — parents, close friends, and my long-term boyfriend.
Then, I remember something…
I have done this kind of thing! Right, I wrote a list of people on my bachelor thesis acknowledgment, thanked them for their help, and put my name at the very last!
Here is the proof,
Number 20 was exactly before the closing paragraph. I should have placed my name on number 1, shouldn’t I? Or at least on number 8 after the Dean, Head of Department, Head of Study Program, Thesis Supervisor, Academic Supervisor, Parents, and Family. Yea… that still counts.
So, I’m thinking, “Today I’m gonna write a letter for myself! Especially, my younger self who had gone through the worst pain a human could experience.”
Without further ado, here we go…
Dear younger self,
I’m going to be direct and tell you that you have experienced what Dr. Hallowell states as 4 Steps to Forgiveness here.
The first step is the worst of all because you must force yourself to acknowledge the pain. What pain? Let me make some bullet points,
- You were born with a rare bone condition that results in one leg being shorter than the other, it is called fibrous dysplasia.
- You had to undergo surgeries to prevent the growing bone from bending out of control (you were just a six-year-old kid).
- Due to that, you walked kind of like a penguin so the schoolmates and neighborhood kids bullied you.
- Your family was convinced that you faked your limp and forced you to watch yourself walked in front of the mirror, which was honestly traumatizing.
- The insecurities didn’t stop there, your mean relatives made of fun your physique to the point where you lost all of your confidence. You were left with nothing but insecurities and self-blaming emotions.
- Because of all that, you were lacking social and communication skills. Meeting new people who were extroverts? NO WAY, THE ANXIETY WOULD KILL YOU!
These memories used to anger you so much. “My anxiety is their fault! I’m the victim and they don’t deserve to be forgiven. They’ve ruined my life!” was all you said. Then, you stopped doing that. You finally acknowledged that these had happened.
The second step is Reliving and Reflecting. This is a very heartbreaking phase.
During the time that you acknowledged the past and moved on with your life, you felt like you had lost so much time — time with parents, family, and friends. You wish you were a less sensitive and emotional person so you could have more people in your life.
When you thought it was too late, your boyfriend came in and reminded you that you could change for the better, so you reflected on everything and tried to become a better version of your past self.
As Dr. Hallowell says, the third step is difficult because you need to work everything out — you need to put your life back into perspective.
And well done! You did it!
- You got a job as a teacher and explaining things in front of everyone didn’t scare you anymore. You regained your confidence little by little and meeting new people was kind of addicting…
- You slowly recognized your worth again after what it felt like forever playing the self-blame game.
- You dared to step out of your comfort zone and moved out of your parents’ house to live independently in a bigger town.
- You met a lot more people and it wasn’t a problem for you at all.
- Most importantly, you have freed yourself from the past and it can no longer bother you. Everyone is forgiven.
Finally, the last step is renouncing your anger and resentment. Sometimes, when you’re angry, you become selfish and difficult to talk to. As long as you recognize the signs, you need to quickly realize what’s happening and return to reality fast! Never let the past bothers you AGAIN!
So, my younger self, CONGRATZ for reaching this point!! You’ve gone through everything and you deserve to slow down and enjoy life for a bit, before the next step in your life journey begins :)
